A man’s view of the Menopause
My wife has been experiencing nearly every symptom the menopause brings for about 5 years and counting. So I felt in a good position to share my thoughts on the menopause from a man's perspective.
Good News
It's great that there are many fantastic websites and blogs about the menopause and all its stages. Online, this topic isn't as taboo as it can be in real life, which means women can find help without facing any shame or stigma.
As a man blogging about this subject, I believe it signifies that discussions around menopause are becoming more accepted. Personally, I've never found it embarrassing to talk about, though I understand it is a personal matter, and not everyone may want to discuss it openly.
As a non-professional, I don't intend to give advice or solutions; instead, I encourage people to explore the wealth of articles available online that pertain to their experiences. Most of these articles are written from female or professional perspectives, which is why I wanted to share my viewpoint as a man. My aim is to highlight how we, as partners, can be more supportive during this phase.
We are not Mind readers
When my wife was younger and experiencing her periods, I always asked her to simply let me know when it was that time of the month. I didn’t need any details or hourly updates; I just wanted to be extra understanding of her symptoms and aware of the mood swings and headaches she might have for a few days.
If she forgot to mention it, I quickly learned to look for clues. One of the biggest indicators was when I returned home from work. If it was her turn to cook dinner, I would ask when it would be ready so I could gauge if I had time to do something beforehand. Usually, she would pleasantly respond with, “About half an hour.” However, when it was her time of the month, the reply would often be, “WHEN IT’S READY.” I also learned very quickly that saying, “Ooh, is somebody on?” was not the best response!
Now, I approach my wife's menopause in a similar way. I ask her to let me know when she is struggling. Since there’s no longer a set monthly pattern, she sometimes tells me how she feels each morning, so I’m aware of her state.
I don’t want to portray myself as perfect; far from it. I’m sure my wife would say that there are times when she doesn’t feel supported at all. But I try my best, and I can’t claim that I didn’t know she was suffering.
Feeling a bit helpless
When you see your partner suffering, it can be incredibly difficult to feel as though you are able to help alleviate their physical pain and the emotional and mental challenges that accompany it. Just standing by and watching them endure this suffering isn’t easy.
Often, there is little we can do to ease most of their symptoms. I believe this is why many men struggle to support their wives or partners; we can feel quite helpless in these situations.
It reminds me of when a couple has a newborn baby. We fathers often take on the night shift, getting up in the middle of the night and trying various methods to calm the baby and help them sleep. Yet, sometimes, the baby just wants their mother. So we trudge back to the bedroom feeling utterly useless and inadequate, only to wake our wives or partners and say, “Sorry, but they want you!” It sounds so pitiful! Up they get, half-falling out of bed, absolutely exhausted, bumping into the door on their way out, and sitting with the baby. Meanwhile, we slide back into bed and fall asleep immediately, enjoying a solid night’s rest.
And in the morning, we know what’s coming: “Oh, so you got a good sleep then?”
Parenthood is a challenging and exhausting time for both parents!
Symptoms
One of the biggest things I find hard to imagine living with, is headaches. I am very lucky that I rarely suffer, once a year at most and I hate them, but to have one constantly for days, then after two days off, it comes back for another week, I would find that unbearable.
I know it's not a competition, but I think this is the (current) list of symptoms I am aware my wife suffers from:
Muscle and joint pains – particularly legs at night – on with the magnesium!
A lot of headaches
Anxiety
Problems sleeping
Feeling tired, lethargic and a complete lack of energy
Sometimes feeling unhappy and having a low mood
Difficulty concentrating
Difficulty speaking – in terms of getting the words out in the right order
Difficulty remembering things
Hot flushes and night sweats
Irritable – not surprising looking at this list!
The last symptom to mention is a weak pelvic floor. For that, I need to seek forgiveness from the lord. I must confess to sometimes deliberately making my wife laugh uncontrollably when she's not prepared. I know it's embarrassing to wet yourself in your 50s, but to watch her hopping around the room trying to control herself is hilarious. I promise I only do this at home. Luckily, she does see the funny side, most of the time.
I’ll be interested in how this list compares to the symptoms other women suffer from.
Trying to find the funny side
I fully understand why it is frustrating and sometimes awkward when you cannot remember simple things, or speak incoherently, but it’s not your fault, it’s the hormones, so you shouldn’t be embarrassed, particularly if the people around you know what you are suffering from.
If you take a step back, sometimes the situation, or the muddled phase you have just said, is funny.
My wife keeps getting names muddled up, particularly when they start with the same letter, so she keeps calling our son’s girlfriend by our dog’s name, and vice versa. Awkward, but funny!
So my simple advice is to just laugh at yourself, or the situation, if you can. Even a fake smile or laugh can help, your brain doesn’t know the difference, so you will feel a bit happier from the release of hormones. I know that’s easier said than done when you are constantly suffering from a myriad of debilitating symptoms.
Recognising the signs in others
Now that I recognise the symptoms women can experience, I have become more understanding both in the office and with friends. I cringe at some of the things I’ve said in the past. At the time, I thought my comments were humorous, but the women in the room likely viewed me as thoughtless.
Learning to say the right thing, or choosing not to say anything and simply moving on, can be challenging, especially with people you don’t know very well.
So Guys
I believe that all women should feel empowered and confident to share with anyone, especially their partners, that they are experiencing menopause.
They should feel comfortable explaining their feelings and the symptoms they are facing.
Us men need to be tolerant, supportive, and understanding. Each day can bring different challenges, so we shouldn’t assume we've figured everything out after just one day.
Most importantly, we mustn’t react to a situation, especially when we know they are acting or speaking out of character. Responding with shouts, harsh remarks, walking away, or trying to make jokes (except perhaps to instigate the pelvic floor dance routine!) will not help ease the situation or calm the atmosphere.
While we may not always be the best listeners, during times of heightened emotions, listening can be one of the most valuable forms of support we can provide. When our wives or partners are feeling down, knowing that they are heard and that we genuinely care can be a source of comfort.
If we all commit to this approach starting today, I believe that both men and women in midlife can find greater happiness. While it may not eliminate the symptoms, it will ensure that women do not have to suffer in silence, contributing to a calmer and happier home life for everyone.
